Fallen to the wayside.

I started back to work about month ago now, Bradly started Fall ball, swim lessons, trying to fit in family time with all of us working now. It's been super busy! Bill is working less hours, B is working the evening shift at a local eatery  B2's baseball season just came to an end, BB is still struggling with the transition into school-hood,  Bay is...Bay, as awesome as she can be. Blogging has fallen to the wayside. I am going to try to pick it back up! Be prepared for some heavy, emotional posts, or so stupid flaky posts. This will be continued! Happy short work week!

Worse off than us.

There is a policy in our school district stating if a child's family is homeless we are required to drive up to 50 miles to pick the child up for school. And drive them back to where they are staying. The need for this policy makes me realize we are doing better than some. We have made some really poor financial decisions as of late and are paying the consequences now.

I pray we make the deadline of Friday, but things just keep piling up. Bill was supposed to work 8 hrs overtime yesterday and 5 today but they lost power. He got in 7 if the anticipated 13. If you pray, please pray for us. For us to make the deadline, for us to become financially smarter, for us to just do the right thing. Positive thoughts and vibes welcomed too!

The policy of the homeless transport may become a reality for us, but knowing it's there, for situations like this eases my mind a little, HOWEVER, us bus drivers dislike driving that far :-)

Not myself

I have found myself being a mean spirited girl, no thought to feelings to others, just nastiness from me. Why do I treat others horribly? They don't deserve it, I know better. how can I teach my children how to treat people when I can't be nice myself. I have some work, on myself, that I need to do. I think I need to start running again, at least then I had an outlet. I'm praying life gets a bit easier for us, lots of changes has happened recently, some still to come. I'm sorry to those I've hurt. I'm not myself.

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Park!

We went to the park today! It was so much fun! I even slid down the slide!
Came home for bath time. Then a sleepover.

Day 16: What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

Well now, that's easy!

1. BRADLY

2. BRAYDEN

3. BAYLEE

They are my best accomplishments!

I have also accomplished a few other things in life, I have a great career that I love and works well for raising a family! (Shout out to my mommy #2! Thanks for taking care of my babies when I can't!)

I am working on this accomplishment, as I have lost 55 lbs but would also like to work on my health. Exercise, eating right, teaching my children to be the same. That is a work in progress. As a wise woman once said "progress, not perfection". Miss you Maryann!

Hard to Love

I am hard to love, I'm a negative Nelly, I complain a lot, I am dramatic. I am hard to not be frustrated with. I get  all that. This song reminds me of my friends, and my husband and all those people who CHOOSE to be by my side. Thank you and I love you all!!

Day 14: Describe 5 strengths you have.

I don't feel like I have any strengths that stand out, I am going to have to think about this!

I am a good driver. Driving around a 33,000 lb bus with 66 screaming children takes some skill!
I advocate for my children. No one else will, I have to be their voice.
I am a good friend.
I am loyal.
I am a good baker and an ok dinner maker :)

Day 15: If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

I would want to be a house fly. I would love to sit on the wall of all my favorite people and be completely and unabashedly noisy!

Day 13: Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

My biggest weakness is my inability to believe the best of myself. I am not a bad person. I may be unliked by some people but not all.

I am a horrible housekeeper. I really hate cleaning, because my children go right behind me and mess it back up.

My self esteem. I have lost approx 50 lbs since last July and today I was looking in the mirror and I still see the bigger girl I used to be. I know my body has changed because my clothes don't fit but I just don't "see it".

My communication skills stink. I am not very good at expressing myself and standing up for me. I let people walk all over me and never let it be known that it is not OK.

Keeping my patience. I struggle the most with this. I try to be patient with my children, my husband and others but I just want things to be "perfect" and done when I want.

Day 12: Describe a typical day in your life.

I am a school bus driver who is on summer vacation until September 4th. My day starts when my children wake me up, which can be any where from 8am to 11am. Breakfast, tv, lunch, computer, for me. Errands, home, dinner, outside, bath, bed for kids, snack, computer, bed. Not a whole lot for us. But it's nice and I wish I could be a SAHM all year, minus the fact that I love my job!

Day 11: Describe a few of your pet peeves.

This topic couldn't have come at a better time! My son is diagnosed as ADHD and was on a stimulant medication but had really bad rebound, got aggressive and very impulsive, so we changed to a nonstimulant. Since we changed he has been constantly referred to himself in the 3rd person. "Bradly wants a drink"."Can Bradly go outside?" Lots of deep breaths and asking him not to do it made me realize he's doing to bug me! Brat...

Another pet peeve of mine is leaving the empty cans in the sink. How freaking hard is it to throw them in the bag?!?

Not properly restrained passengers.

Formula feeding.

Not breastfeeding

Disclaimer: This is my blog, it is about me. It is about how I feel. It is not intended to offend anyone or to make people angry. It's MY pet peeves. Carrying on.

Nail biting.

Whining.

Back talk.

Empty milk/juice bottles being put back into the fridge.

Smoking. It stinks.

Dirty clothes on the floor in front of the washer.

My coffee cup becoming empty :)
There are many more but these are the ones I can think of, right now.

Baby giggles

I have the hiccups right now and Baylee keeps giggling every time I hiccup, she's half asleep and exhausted and her giggles are so soft and extra cute!

Day 9: List 3 people who have influenced you, and how.

The first person who influenced me is my dad. My Dad is an alcoholic, pretty severe. Growing up I decided I would never be like him. So I thank you Dad, for showing me that I would make a pathetic drunk.

I can't remember what grade she taught, but Mrs Hennessy was my social studies teacher and she was CRAZY! She would jump on tables and throw things at us. She also got to the semi finals for jepordy. She was super smart, I wonder where she is now? She used to make me hold my paper with my non dominat hand while writing, It's a habit that has stuck with me, to this day and I am passing on to a very reluctant Bradly, soon to be Brayden!

My husband influences me as well. He works 60 hours a week so I can stay home with my kids during the summer. Life would be much easier for him if I got a summer job. But he wants me to be with our children. I love you, babe. Thank you SO very much for working so hard for us, we appreciate it and we miss you!

Day 10: Describe your most embarrassing moment.

My most embarrassing moment is pretty embarrassing, but I think may be common! I remember trying to push Bradly out at his birth and having a little extra come out. I also remember the Dr hurt me trying to clean it up. Pretty gross... Bleck.

Day 8: What are 3 passions you have?

This is easy!! It's the same old things I always post about!

1. My Family!! They are all hand chosen gifts from God!

2. Breastfeeding, why give your child an inferior food? Breast milk is free, the best food for them, always there, warm, no bottles. It helps burn calories so you can return to your prepregnancy weight sooner. Did I mention it's FREE?!?

3. Car seat safety. Why put your child's life in danger in the car? Education is Key. When you know better, you do better (usually). If I was ever in an accident I know that my children are as safe as I can possibly make them. That makes putting them in the car easier on me. Know the laws, it's 1 AND 20 as a BARE minimum  But why let your child be a minimum? Most convertible car seats go to 35 or 40 lbs. Keep their little spines safe! Keep them Rear facing until the maximum! Check out your state's laws car seat laws keep your babies, and children, as safe as you can!!

Day 7: What is your dream job, and why?

I've skipped Day 6, I'm just not sure I'm ready to share that.

My dream job would be a Certified Nurse Midwife with a IBCLC. I love all things birth related. I have 3 natural births and I am fasinatied with the process. I am sad that my baby birthing days are over. I would have loved to have an unassisted home-birth with just my kids and husband. I am also obsessed with lactating breasts. I have a belief that all woman should breastfeed. There are many women who are willing to help if there is a problem. I do try not to judge, and some will not get a single judgement from me (Dawn :)). but I feel all woman just at least try it, education is key. Support is essential. Boomba is best!!!

Day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

I have not decided I am ready to share this. Nor have I chosen which event I will share. Please proceed to Day 7.

Day 5: What are the 5 things that make you happiest right now?

 The thing that makes me the most happiest is my family! Bill, Bradly, Brayden and Baylee are my LIFE! They amaze me every single day! I live for them.

I am also pretty happy when our family comes to visit! We live about an hour and half away from both our families so trips home become crazy with traveling and trying to divide our time to see everyone. When they come up to see us we can focus on just them! It is a lot less hectic for us as well.

A hot bath and good book makes the list too! I love to read and a hot bath is so relaxing. 

Good friends and great friendships! Where would I be with out my venting partners?

Bed time. I love going to bed after a nice productive day, exhausted from being busy, after relaxing with the kiddos while getting them ready for bed. 

I'm going to add another, I love being a SAHM, but I also love my job, so being a bus driver is perfect. I call it my Semi stay at home mom job. I get all holidays, vacations, snow days and snow delays off. I get the summer off. I do, however, miss putting them ON the bus. 

Day 4: List 5 things you would tell your 16 year-old self if you could.

1. FINISH SCHOOL!! I dropped out of high school in tenth grade. I would have been 6 months pregnant with Bradly, I was embarrassed to be in the same room with my friends and dropped out. I regret that single decision every single day of my life. I have a feeling that my best friends would have been supportive had I given them half a chance. 

2. Don't get so serious with boys. Or in specific one boy. However, I would not change a single thing, because I wouldn't have Bradly. But I would have stayed at home with my parents instead of moving out at 16 and getting pregnant at 17. 

3. Get the help with your anxiety issues, starting right after our house fire my life was never the same. I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I couldn't possibly be happy, if I was happy something would happen and ruin it. I felt (feel) like I didn't (don't) deserve to be happy. I'm always waiting for the bad to happen. 

4. Enjoy being young! You get old so quickly and you will soon forget what being young is like. I miss the days I could curl up with a good book and ignore the world. 3 kids makes that just about impossible. 

5. I wish I had gone to college. I have my GED and a great paying job, but I wish I had followed my dream. Which I will reveal in another blog post! 

Emeals

Have any of you heard about Emeals? If not then I encourage you to check it out!
I've been using it for 3 weeks and I LOVE it! It gives you 7 meals a week and a shopping list. Having a menu and shopping list is such a time saver! I do sub some of the meals because they seem more of an appetizer than a entree. Tonight meal is


Bacon Penne
Alfredo
Drizzled Salad Wedges 
16 oz uncooked penne
1 lb package sliced bacon
½ package fresh mushrooms, sliced
(1 t minced garlic)
2 c whipping cream or half and half
1 c grated Parmesan cheese (½ t pepper)
½ c sliced green onions
1 head iceburg lettuce, cut into 6-8 wedges 
(Ranch dressing, 1 T bacon bits)
  Cook pasta by package directions.  Meanwhile, 
cook bacon in skillet until crisp; remove & drain 
on paper towels.   Reserve 2 T drippings in 
skillet.  Sauté mushrooms  & garlic in hot
drippings 3 minutes until tender.  Stir in cream, 
parmesan  cheese,  & pepper then pasta.  
Reduce heat to medium-low  & simmer 
uncovered until sauce is thickened, stirring often.  
Stir in crumbled bacon (save 1 T for salad 
wedges) and sliced green onions.
   Drizzle each wedge with dressing & bacon

Sounds yummy! Every meal I've made so far has been good! I'll be using this for a long time, especially with going back to work soon, my meals are set! I use the Aldi plan but there are many more, Kroger, Publix ,Ralph's, Safeway, Wal-mart, Whole Foods and any other store. There are also special diets, gluten free, clean eating, low carb, low fat, portion control, vegetarian and natural and organic.  It's also endorsed by the financial guru Dave Ramsey. Check it out!!!

Day 3: Describe your relationship with your parents.

My parents have always had a caustic relationship with each other. There was no common respect or courtesy that I remember seeing. There may have been love back in the day, many years ago but that turned to fear and insecurity. They always treated us ok, not much discipline and very fuzzy boundaries, but we knew we were loved.

My relationship with my mom is the best it's ever been. I now understand where she was, and that she was lost our whole childhood. She did the best she could. My father was/is and alcoholic and she always wondered how it was going to be when he would come home. Some days he'd be fun loving and funny and other aggressive and hostile. She did her best to protect us. I love her for that! and I understand more now. Protecting your children becomes your whole existence, everything you do. She did her best and I love her for that.

Our relationship now is great. If a little strained because of choices she was forced to make concerning my sister. I've always felt she was the "favored" sister but now I know she was the one who needed/needs more help than I ever did or do. I have a pretty good head on my shoulders and my sister, well her head would fall off if it wasn't securely fastened with bone, muscle and her spinal column. She needs help, to get her shit together. When I met my husband, I moved 3 hrs away to be with him. We now live an hour and a half away from home and it's perfect. I do miss my mom A LOT!

My relationship with my dad is just there. I love my dad so much but avoid him a lot to avoid the drunk part of him I hate. I avoid calling him because I'm never sure if he'll be drunk and loud, or just acting crazy and not making much sense. I do enjoy talking to and spending time with him when he's sober. He is such a nice guy, until that first drops of his poison touches his lips. It's like a switch. He smells it and turns into a crazy lunatic. I am very thankful for him because I learned from him. I will not drink because I don't want to be like him. My children love their grandfather too, but have started to notice how often grandpa drinks. I do keep praying for him. and loving him and that's all I can do. I can't make him want to stop drinking, I can't guilt him into not drinking. I can only realize that I am not the cause and avoid it when it's happening.

Day 2 of 30 day challenge. Biggest fears

Day 2: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and describe how they became fears.

This could be a deep subject for me. I saw my therapist today and came to a conclusion that I've always known, yet denied. I will not share that as of now. Maybe some day. We'll start with # 1.

One of my biggest fears is drowning. When I was a little girl (4ish) I went on a canoe ride with my dad. It was a beautiful day in Maine, dad and I headed out, as we were out there a sudden storm popped up and capsized the canoe. Thankfully I had a floatation device and dad could swim well. 

 

Another fear of mine, that I share with Brayden, is thunderstorms. Just the word gives me stomach cramps and anxiety. I remember being a child and a severe thunderstorm would pop up, with a tornado warning usually, my dad would pile us all in our car and race to the highway bridge. He said the safest place to be was under the bridges. Now I often worry we don't have a basement. I do remember one tornado that touched down a few miles from our house in Sanford, on Cheese Factory rd. http://www.erh.noaa.gov/er/bgm/WeatherEvents/Severe/may311998/tricounty.shtml

My third biggest fear is causing irrepairable damage to my young children's soul. I have not had the best childhood, was never rich, we always struggled. I knew my parents loved me but I had no boundaries, no real discipline. My dad was an over the road truck driver, my mom a SAHM who was terrified of my dad. My dad was, and still is, a severe alcoholic. I never knew how things were going to go. Would he be mean? Would he be funny? A jerk, or fun loving? I try to set boundaries for my children, require good behavior, try to be gentle and loving. I don't like to spank or hit them. I want them to respect me and me to respect them. I want to do right by them. 

I have many more fears, but I fear they would be too deep for a blog post. However it may have passed into deeply emotional at #1...

30 Day blog challenge...jumping on the train

Day one is listing 10 random facts about yourself. Lets see...hmmm....OK here goes nothing.

1.) I suffer from panic disorder. It has ruled my life for some time now, I am currently feeling better than I have in years.

2.) I love to cook and bake. I love sugar!

3.) I try to practice gentle parenting, and sometimes I fail miserably :(

4.) I love my job, but it causes me so much stress. 

5.) We live in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath single wide trailer, I am hoping we can buy a bigger place soon. 

6.) If we were rich, we'd have more children. But we're not, so we're done. 

7.) I chose my blog name so I had a place to be positive and a place to be negative. I go from happy to pissed in 2 seconds then to depressed and crying. I need an outlet for both. 

8.) I LOVE Cafemom!! I just wish I lived closer to some of my mommy friends. 

9.) Laundry freaking sucks! My big dirty secret is the pack and play full of clothes in my room. 

10.) Natural alternatives are my thing, I make our laundry soap, general cleaning solution, toilet cleaner, tub cleaner. I tried cloth diapers but I can't get them to be non stinky. So I'm done with them. I am an extended breast-feeder  my daughter is currently 20 months and still nursing constantly. 

It does say 10, but I'm not done :)

11.) I also practice extended harnessing and extended rear facing. There is no excuse worth the safety of my children. They will stay as safe as I can make them in a car for as long as possible, I try not to judge others but I don't understand why they would take that chance. 

12.) I get pretty paranoid, and the internet doesn't help. I can not see your face or hear the infliction in your voice so I wonder why I'm such a bad person that no one wants to respond to. I notice who does and who doesn't and it hurts my feelings to feel ignored, or just tolerated. 

13.) I am soft hearted and take most things personal. 

14.)  I love my therapist!

15.) Gotta go see her today! I'm going to go get ready then head to the farmers market, and my appt then the library. I have a feeling this is going to be good for me! Thank you, @dawn'sdisaster